Does Being Single Really Suck?
"Being single sucks"... Right? Well no.. Maybe.. Okay sometimes. I know it gets "lonely", or you want that feeling of being "in love" but sometimes, you need to be single in order to really be in love. Let me elaborate a little bit. See, a toxic trait about me is that I'm the type of person who dreams about a magical future with every man that confesses their "love" to me. You could call me..... an "attention seeker"? I guess. I crave the feeling of being adorned. No... The feeling of being loved by someone else who I see fit for myself. Sad. I know. But you see, I'm trying not too be the "self centered ingrate" I was in the past.
You see, the thing is, I'm not really self centered. No. I just never used to love myself. I know, it sounds dumb, but I personally really didn't. Because if I really did, I wouldn't have throw myself at the first guy who fell at my feet, offering me the littlest part of his heart and me jumping at the opportunity at some cheap relationship. You know, if I REALLY really loved myself, I wouldn't be so eager to give my mind, body and soul to a guy who only wanted my body for 2 months, and jump on to the next beautiful lady who self loathes and craves the same feeling of "love" as I do.
I always wondered why it was such a challenge... why it took me so so long for me to find this path of self love. All those nights I spent writing cute love messages, saying "I love you" to someone unworthy of my love, when I wouldn't even give myself one eight of that love I so freely gave everyone else. And the sad part is, I didn't realize that I wouldn't be right for anyone else if I wasn't right for myself. I always wondered why I thought I was unworthy of every guy I had ever come across. Or why I would end up being hurt so badly because I was an "unfit candidate" on someone's list, and yet, I wasn't even an option on my own list. You see, sometimes, guys can smell (since men are "dogs") when a girl thinks she's a loser. And sadly, they're some very confused guys who take advantage of that because they don't think any better of themselves either. And to be honest, at the time, that never bothered me. Just as long as they showered me in compliments and vague future plans for our relationship, I would be smitten.
It's actually very funny. I thought that by being loved by so many people, guys in particular, would help my self love. How weird right? How would SOMEONE ELSE'S opinion of my value help ME? I started to give so much of myself, and the love that was reserved for me, at such a young age that I'd never known what self love felt like. Being single for some time had me learn what self love was, and how to build from that. It taught me that not every guy is deserving of my love. It taught me how, sometimes, men are not trash. It was just me delusional for thinking they should show me the love I should have really shown myself. I put so much responsibility on my exes for them to love me to the point they would push me to love myself, without realizing that was an individual battle. (I'm sorry exes, I was a handful, I know.)
And sometimes, I won't lie, it get's hard. Seeing all these beautiful couples on Facebook, or Instagram, wherever, (Ya I see y'all, y'all cute haha) And I'm so tempted to slip back and toss away all the progress I've made. Sometimes, I feel like giving up and looking for that half love I'm used to, just to get that "honeymoon" feeling back again, because... I won't lie... those half relationships, at some point, felt amazing. But that would be SO unfair to myself. That would allow me to fall back into that deep craving for sweet nothings and cheap romance. Allowing myself to love someone else even before I've learned to truly love myself would be the most disrespectful gift I could offer to me.
I remind myself that I am worth so much more than a cheap chat up, a flimsy fling or a 2 month relationship. And, surely above all, God helped me realize my self worth. God saw it fit for me to be single for this exact reason. If I wasn't single, I honestly don't know if I would've known how to love myself at all. He made me realize that before any other guy, even before myself, I MUST choose him. I won't say that I love myself completely or anything like that. I won't lie to any of you. BUT, I'm definitely on my way baby! So for all of you who can relate, I DO strongly believe self love is one of the hardest mental battles you can ever face, but, we're going to get through it, trust me. :)
You see, the thing is, I'm not really self centered. No. I just never used to love myself. I know, it sounds dumb, but I personally really didn't. Because if I really did, I wouldn't have throw myself at the first guy who fell at my feet, offering me the littlest part of his heart and me jumping at the opportunity at some cheap relationship. You know, if I REALLY really loved myself, I wouldn't be so eager to give my mind, body and soul to a guy who only wanted my body for 2 months, and jump on to the next beautiful lady who self loathes and craves the same feeling of "love" as I do.
I always wondered why it was such a challenge... why it took me so so long for me to find this path of self love. All those nights I spent writing cute love messages, saying "I love you" to someone unworthy of my love, when I wouldn't even give myself one eight of that love I so freely gave everyone else. And the sad part is, I didn't realize that I wouldn't be right for anyone else if I wasn't right for myself. I always wondered why I thought I was unworthy of every guy I had ever come across. Or why I would end up being hurt so badly because I was an "unfit candidate" on someone's list, and yet, I wasn't even an option on my own list. You see, sometimes, guys can smell (since men are "dogs") when a girl thinks she's a loser. And sadly, they're some very confused guys who take advantage of that because they don't think any better of themselves either. And to be honest, at the time, that never bothered me. Just as long as they showered me in compliments and vague future plans for our relationship, I would be smitten.
It's actually very funny. I thought that by being loved by so many people, guys in particular, would help my self love. How weird right? How would SOMEONE ELSE'S opinion of my value help ME? I started to give so much of myself, and the love that was reserved for me, at such a young age that I'd never known what self love felt like. Being single for some time had me learn what self love was, and how to build from that. It taught me that not every guy is deserving of my love. It taught me how, sometimes, men are not trash. It was just me delusional for thinking they should show me the love I should have really shown myself. I put so much responsibility on my exes for them to love me to the point they would push me to love myself, without realizing that was an individual battle. (I'm sorry exes, I was a handful, I know.)
And sometimes, I won't lie, it get's hard. Seeing all these beautiful couples on Facebook, or Instagram, wherever, (Ya I see y'all, y'all cute haha) And I'm so tempted to slip back and toss away all the progress I've made. Sometimes, I feel like giving up and looking for that half love I'm used to, just to get that "honeymoon" feeling back again, because... I won't lie... those half relationships, at some point, felt amazing. But that would be SO unfair to myself. That would allow me to fall back into that deep craving for sweet nothings and cheap romance. Allowing myself to love someone else even before I've learned to truly love myself would be the most disrespectful gift I could offer to me.
I remind myself that I am worth so much more than a cheap chat up, a flimsy fling or a 2 month relationship. And, surely above all, God helped me realize my self worth. God saw it fit for me to be single for this exact reason. If I wasn't single, I honestly don't know if I would've known how to love myself at all. He made me realize that before any other guy, even before myself, I MUST choose him. I won't say that I love myself completely or anything like that. I won't lie to any of you. BUT, I'm definitely on my way baby! So for all of you who can relate, I DO strongly believe self love is one of the hardest mental battles you can ever face, but, we're going to get through it, trust me. :)
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