I'm THAT Toxic Person

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Yeah, I said it. I'm that toxic person that you read about on Insta, the one that people tell you never to second guess cutting off "for the sake of your mental health." Today is the day I'm calling myself out. Scary, I know.

Well, lemme not take up a lot of your time and just come right out and say it. Sometimes, when it comes to friendship, I stink. Most of the friend relationships I've had, past high school, have been absolute trash. And apparently, these moments in college are supposedly the best and crucial times to make meaningful friendships. Go figure. But let's get back to me. I'm about to roast myself right now, of course not for your entertainment, but for the mere fact that sometimes, maybe, JUST MAYBE, I suck.

Shall we gauge my friendship skills on the famous love chapter in the bible, Corinthians 13? It seems like a befitting chapter of judgement of character to me. I'll use some points that address what I believe are my weakest points in character and maybe you'll find what I say relatable too? First, love is patient. Now, one thing about me, I sure as HELL know I'm not patient. When it comes to certain things, I have a very nonchalant attitude. But if it comes to someone doing something little that annoys me, let's say someone maybe making me wait more than 10 minutes when we're supposed to head somewhere or something like that, best believe I'm going to pop off. But, you know what? I always think, if I did something that annoyed someone, how would I want them to handle the situation? If I would expect them to be patient with me, just like God is, who am I to get easily annoyed with what they do? 

Then, love is kind. NOW, I show kindness to people. But the problem is, I'm only kind to people I like. And I know for a fact, that's not what's required of me if I want to become a better person. I've struggled with this so much that it's so easy for me to completely cut certain people off rather than be nice to them. I really really struggle with this, forgetting to realize that avoiding situations or being opaque about my feelings toward said individual doesn't make me a better person. Sometimes, it's so easy for me to be bitter towards someone who's unkind to me, but I often forget that "a little kindness never hurt nobody."

Love is not easily angered. Now I don't know how to feel about this one. Personally, I wouldn't say I anger easily. WAIT, wait, I know they're probably some haters out there being like "OMGGG that's so untrueeee, she gets pissed all the time." Hold on haters. Let me elaborate. To me, being angry is an action of hostility. When I hear anger, I picture hatred you know? And that's why I refrain from using the term "angered easily". For lack of better words, I'd simply say I get hurt. Which I think applies to most people. But this is just my opinion of myself, don't have a heart attack claiming I get angry easily. However, I would like to assume, that many a time, I often react with my heart and not with my head. Whenever I experience something, that someone happened to do that I deem hateful towards me and that I think is disrespectful to me, I tend to get hurt. And at that moment, trying to voice out my emotions isn't the best idea, because it comes out a bit hostile. Woahhh, so maybe I DO get angry easily... Huh... 

To be frank, I could list out ALL my toxic traits for you guys and serve them on a gold platter, because only the best for you all. However, my point is, never in a million years would I have assumed that I'm the toxic one. Sure, I'm a "good person", I always try to show up for my friends when they need me to be there, I actively try to stay loyal to my friends, blah blah blah, but at some point, I have to realize they're some bad qualities in me that need fixing, and I need people in my life who GENIUNELY point them out. Yes, the people in your life who tell you what you're doing something wrong actually want what's best for you. Shocking, I know. But they're also people who will claim there are things wrong with you, just to belittle you or invalidate your feelings, or maybe just actively want to make you feel bad so they can't feel AS bad when they hurt you. And that is why, as a person, you need to be secure in who you are and you MUST actively try to grow into the best person you can be. I'm honestly just out here winging it at this life thing guys.... Wanna try wing it with me?


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